Tired

This summer has been hard.   I’m counting down the days to the equinox.  Soon after that I will see my eye doctor again to find out if the shots I had did what they were supposed to.   So far it seems like that’s the case.  But my vision is not 100% yet so I worry that I will be told I need more shots.   The shots make me tired.  I am pretty sure that everyone is done with hearing how tired I am.  I try to explain it.  That it’s not just the kind of tired where you can take it easy for a few days and feel better.   It’s weeks and weeks after the shot.  Until none of the medicine is in my system anymore (or so I’m told).  Then it’s time for another shot.   The tiredness just seemed to pile on with each shot.   The tiredness makes me have zero fucks to give about most things.  I say fucks and not something like spoons because, to me, spoons means that you do care about/would like to do something you just physically or mentally can’t do it.  With this I just do not care about most things.  Not one bit.

I try not to talk about anywhere but here or to Eric.   I’ve been not so gently reminded that other people have many more problems than I do and I just need to suck it up.   It’s not that I even want sympathy. I just want understanding.  But it always turns into a comparison game of why that person has many more problems than I do.  I’m sure there are people thinking that who don’t even have those kinds of interactions with me. There are so many people to whom I owe something.  I feel like they see me post a stitching picture on FB or a picture at a concert and they think I (and my vision) am fine and I need to get caught up on all of the things that are waiting on me.  They don’t see that I stitched for 20 minutes and then my eyes got tired and so I had to stop or that by the end of the concert my eyes were not happy with the flashing lights about the stage and I had to go sit on a bench with people who were too drunk to stand.  My eyes getting tired makes me even more tired than I already am and when that happens I can only do the extremely necessary stuff.

I’m hoping that I won’t need more shots.  I’m hoping that one day soon I will be able to go more than a month without having my eyes checked.   I’m hoping that one day I will read this again and not feel like this anymore.

 

recent stitching

Due to the technical difficulties I’ve been experiencing with my eye lately I haven’t stitched much this year. Add to that the last thing I completed getting lost in the mail and I didn’t have much motivation to even try to stitch. Every time I tried this summer it was depressing. It was hard to see and on the days I was seeing better I couldn’t stitch for very long before my eyes got tired.

A couple months ago a friend sent me some stitching stuff she had found when cleaning out her mom’s house. There was some Aida with it. Aida is not my preferred material to stitch on but as I was going through the package I realized that I could see the holes in the Aida much better than my preferred 32ct linen.

That weekend I used one of the pieces of Aida and re-stitched the piece that got lost in the mail. I had no trouble stitching it at all.

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This motivated me to go through my UFOs and see if there was anything I felt like finishing. I found one that was at least half done and decided to finish it. The pattern is the Cat’s Meow by The Drawn Thread. This one wasn’t so easy for my eyes but I continued to work on it. I think it was partly my eye and partly because I was stitching on lambswool. I had a much easier time when I tried using some cashel so I’m not sure what it was about the lambswool that my eyes didn’t like.

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Aside from the vision issues I just do not like the way lambswool feels to stitch on. I knew this from other projects but this one made me decide not to use it again.

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I started this one in 2014 and I am so glad to have it finished. Although I wish I could remember what made me stitch this cat in black and white rather than the charted colors.

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The next UFO I picked up was the Woodland Sampler by The Frosted Pumpkin Stitchery. I started it in January of 2013. I’m hoping I will have it finished this month. It feels good to be stitching again.
Decided that since I started this in 2013 I should finish it this year .   Made a little progress on December.  #crossstitch #thefrostedpumpkinstitchery

around here lately

*Today is my 11th wedding anniversary.   Monday marked the 11th anniversary of my move to New Mexico.  I can’t believe I’ve been here that long.

*I’ve had two dentist appointments this week and I have another one scheduled for next week.  I had what a I thought was a toothache but turned out to be an infected ligament.  I am on antibiotics and have to use special mouthwash.   I have severe anxiety about going to the dentist so thankfully I have Valium to get me through these appointments.

*The weather is changing here.  Monsoon season finally started and we’ve been having some nice storms.   The evenings have been much, much cooler.  It’s such a relief.   July felt like a repeat of June, really hot with no rain, and it was becoming harder and harder to not be depressed with that kind of weather.

*I set a goal for myself to meditate 28 days this month.  Even if it’s just five minutes.  So far I’ve meditated ten days.   I’m hoping I can make it to 28.  I’m considering 28 days of vrksasana for September.

*My eye has recovered enough to be able to stitch a little here and there. I stitched something on Aida and had no problems.   I’m now trying out some lambswool to see how that works out for me.

*All I want to eat lately is chips and salsa.  I’ve had it for dinner the past two days.  I’ve been too worn out to make anything else. Plus my mouthwash makes things that aren’t salty and spicy taste bad.

 

 

 

 

the state of me/saving my life right now

I had my second shot for my eye last Thursday.   It was hard to tell on my end if the first shot was working.   For the first three weeks after it my vision seemed a little better.  Then the week before the shot things seemed to improve a lot.  The first shot also stopped all the hemorrhaging.  The doctor was very pleased by this.   My vision still isn’t what it used to be but it’s getting better.

I’ve gathered from contextual clues from my doctor that stress and lack of sleep are not good for what is happening to my eye.  I’ve been trying hard to cut down on stress in my life.  It’s hard though.  Thanks to genetics/anxious parenting my default setting is anxiety.   So I decided that I would try to make July as laid back as possible.  Prior to July I’d been exercising five days a week.   But in July I let that go. It’s been so, so hot which makes it hard to exercise in the afternoons.  Yet if I get up early to do it that means less sleep, which is also not good for my eye.   Doing this made me realize that I’ve been exercising for the wrong reasons and that is something I want to get away from.  Missing a workout should not be something that stresses me out.   During July if I exercise, fine.  If I don’t, it’s not a big deal.

Another thing I’m doing to reduce stress is not engaging with political discussions on Facebook.  Not that I did this a lot before but I did sometimes.    There are so many terrible things happening in the US and the world right now.   I know there are  people on FB who want me to post links and show support for things.  So they know that I am on the same side as them.  But I just can’t right.   Many of my friends and relatives do not think that my political point of view is the right one.  They are not live and let live types.   They would want to argue and tell me how wrong I am.   And let me tell you, all it would take is for one of those people to tell me ALLLIVESMATTER! and my rage would come out.   I just can’t get that angry every day right now. I don’t know what it would do to my eye and I don’t want to find out.

 

Some things that have been saving my life lately:

*Heritage Store rosewater – I love this stuff so much.  I especially like to spray some on at bed time.

*black walnut salve – After my shot I am not allowed to take a shower or do anything where water could splash in my eye and this time my sponge bath just didn’t cut it.  Due to the heat I ended up with a rash.   The black walnut salve got rid of it right away.

*Family Ties and Newhart – I’ve been watching a couple episodes of each every night Eric is at work.  They are very soothing.

*YouTube – Something else I find soothing to watch are YouTube vloggers.   I love day in the life type stuff.  This is my favorite channel right now.

*cherry limeade from Sonic – having one every few weeks makes an extra hot day seem a little less horrible.

 

 

 

currently vol. 35

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Current Books: Harbor by John Ajvide Lindqvist
Current Playlist: the Goth staton on Pandora
Current Drinks: water
Current Foods: strawberries, quesadillas, avocados
Current TV Shows: Newhart and Family Ties
Current Wishlist: a Midori spiral ring notebook,  carne asada fries, yarn
Current Project: not currently working on anything thanks to my eye
Current Needs: more sleep, to experience temperatures well below 80°
Current Triumphs: cleaning the kitchen sick and countertops
Current Bane Of My Existence: the never ending heat, the lack of rain and my health insurance being a jerk about paying for my eye stuff
Current Blessings: it’s Friday, fans & the swamp cooler
Current Outfit: black shorts, turquoise top
Current Mood: cranky from the heat

eye musings

I had my first shot in my eye on Monday.  It went so much better than I was expecting.  I was filled with anxiety before the appointment.  Even though the procedure was explained to me I still had no clue what to expect.  The man who prepped my eye for the procedure was extremely nice and definitely set my mind at ease.   Although when it came time for the shot to happen he told me that I could hold his hand if I wanted.  Which kind of made me freak out a little inside because it left me wondering how bad it was going to be.   It was over really fast and thanks to some drops they deaden my eye, I didn’t feel a thing.   It wasn’t until I received the after care instructions that it hit me that I had some potent medication injected into my eye.

I’m also kind of regretting saying anything about this to anyone but Eric.   I know that soon, well meaning people will begin to ask me if my eye is getting better.  (Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t feel like this about eveyone who would ask that question.  Anyone who is reading this isn’t a person I’m dreading asking that question.) Which, it’s really hard to tell right now.   At the appointment they told me that they hoped I’d see some improvment at my next appointment, which is a month away.   I’m dreading people asking. It’s hard to explain the nuances of what I see and don’t see to anyone.  I feel like my answers will be disappointing.   I just want to yell “I don’t know yet!” like Cathy and Kathy do.

However, I did purposely never give my exact diagnosis or what medication is being used.  I’ve found that in the past when I’ve revealed details like that there is always someone who has a story about it.  A horror story.  Or there is someone who will tell me what I am doing is wrong and I need to do x, y, or z.  I seem to be Facebook friends with a lot of those types.

It is showing me though the people who take the time to leave a kind comment on Facebook or send a nice message on FB or send me some mail.  Those people do that even though this doesn’t seem like a big deal.  (It really isn’t compared to things other people go through but it’s a big deal to me.  If I didn’t have this treatment I’d most likely lose sight in that eye.) I’m extremely grateful for those people.

This whole experience is so odd.   If you saw me you’d see that I look just fine but it’s hard to work (the fatigue from looking at a monitor sets in around lunch time), it’s hard to do my daily art thing, it’s hard to find things I’ve dropped on the kitchen floor, if my eyes are tired it’s even hard to watch TV or read on my Kindle.   I keep on doing my daily art even when it’s really hard to trace a line or paint inside the lines.   It takes me a lot longer to answer emails or reply to people on Facebook.  I really hope that by my birthday, in September, it won’t be hard to do these things again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

around here lately

I’ve been having some eye trouble lately.  Way back in February I broke my glasses.  They were glasses I’d had for a long time.  Meaning it had been a long time since I’d had an eye exam.  I made an appointment and the day before it the office canceled on me. It was a pain to even get that appointment and I didn’t know the next time I’d be in ABQ so I didn’t make another one.   A week later Eric hugged me and the glue job on my glasses fell apart.   I couldn’t put off an appointment any longer.   At that appointment the doctor saw some strange spots near my retina and referred me to an opthalmologist to get them checked out.  The opthalmologist looked at them and determined that they were scarring from a parasite I’d come in contact with most likely as a child.   The plan of action was to keep an eye on things and then come back in three months for another check.  He also gave me some tests so I could check my vision. Because with what I have I guess things could go south rather quicly. I had my next check up in May and everything was the same.  Then a few weeks later I started noticing that my vision was a little strange, straight lines didn’t look so straight anymore.  Last week I had an appointment to check on this and the thing I was warned about was happening.  Now I have to have three shots directly into my eye.  The first is next Monday.  I am extremely nervous about it.

The thing that is happening to my left eye makes it really hard to look at something that has a lot of straight lines.  Which means that it’s really hard to cross stitch right now.  On Sunday I gathered up all my cross stitch stuff that I’d been working on recently and put it away.   I don’t know when I will be able to cross stitch again and I am depressed about it.

It’s hot here.  Upper 90s/100s kind of hot.  This weather is hard for me.   It makes me feel tired/drained all the time.  Nothing I do stops that feeling.   I will be so happy when the monsoons show up and it’s a little less hot. It doesn’t help that there have been fires too.  One in the montains to the west, one in AZ that we are supposedly seeing smoke from and one north of town.

I got stung by a scorpion on Friday night.  The first time one has ever got me.   It was the biggest one I’d ever seen in the house.   I guess I got in it’s way walking through the dining room.  I think that my calloused desert heels saved me from a lot of pain from the sting.  I bet it would have hurt much more if it had gotten another part of my foot.

I’m going through one of those weird phases where I regret not changing my last name when I got married.   It happens every so often.   I know it wouldn’t actually change anything and it would be a huge pain in the ass to change it (I’d probably have to pay to have it done now) and then notify all the places that need to be.  I always feel like it would give me a sense of belonging that I don’t get from my own family anymore.