I’ve been living inside my head a lot lately. Which is not unusual for me., especially at this time of the year. My birthday was a few weeks ago and I consider that my personal new year. It always makes me introspective.
Today Kristi and I were chatting on Facebook and our conversation made me think about how when I was younger I not only cared a lot about what people thought of me I actually knew what they thought of me as well. Sometimes people actually told me what they thought of me, good or bad, and sometimes I had to hear people tell other people how they thought I was. I was shy, unathletic, lacking common sense, smart, obedient, quiet, etc. Some of those things became true because I’d heard them so often. Some of those things became true because I was very young and I thought adults knew what they were talking about. Sometimes I’m bitter about this. I know that most of these people never meant to purposely harm me but that doesn’t ease the bitterness.
But today I was thinking about how at 42 I rarely have to hear what anyone thinks of me. Good or bad. That doesn’t mean I don’t sort of know what people think of me. I’m better at reading people than I let on. If I told people this or told them what I felt they thought of me, most would tell me I was wrong. So I just keep things to myself. This doesn’t mean that over the years I haven’t cared or worried about what people thought of me. I am the first born in my family. It’s hard to be the first born and not be an approval seeker/people pleaser.
I’d like to think I’m still not an approval seeker/people pleaser but I am. I realized this on my birthday when I found that I was more worried about accommodating people who wanted to see me or call me than I was about doing what I wanted. It kind of freaked me out that I thought like that. It made me think about how I used to be different. About how at some point I stopped being what felt true to myself and started be what felt more comfortable to other people. I know exactly when and why this happened. I just don’t know why I thought it was a good idea and why I let it go on for so long. It’s definitely lessened as I’ve gotten older. But lately it just hasn’t been enough. Of course there are people who would say that I am not a people pleaser at all anymore. They would tell you that I’m a terrible, selfish person because I didn’t do what they wanted me to.
I realize this makes it sound like I am unhappy with my life. I most definitely at not. I think that what it comes down to is the longer I am happier with my life the less I want to tone things down for people. It feels exciting to think about caring less about what people think. I hope I can convince my brain to keep thinking this way.
Current Books: Sidewalk Oracles by Robert Moss
Current Playlist: Ghost, The Cure
Current Drinks: water
Current Foods: carrot cake, pineapple
Current TV Shows: New Girl, Family Ties
Current Wishlist: yarn, this ring, this candle
Current Project(s): The Frosted Pumpkin Stitchery’s Give Thanks, an ornament and a new afghan
Current Needs: more sleep, a vanilla milkshake
Current Triumphs: going to the dentist for some fillings,
Current Bane Of My Existence: allergies
Current Blessings: Eric has a day off today, cooler weather, Valium
Current Outfit: grey shorts, pink top
Current Mood: sleepy
This summer has been hard. I’m counting down the days to the equinox. Soon after that I will see my eye doctor again to find out if the shots I had did what they were supposed to. So far it seems like that’s the case. But my vision is not 100% yet so I worry that I will be told I need more shots. The shots make me tired. I am pretty sure that everyone is done with hearing how tired I am. I try to explain it. That it’s not just the kind of tired where you can take it easy for a few days and feel better. It’s weeks and weeks after the shot. Until none of the medicine is in my system anymore (or so I’m told). Then it’s time for another shot. The tiredness just seemed to pile on with each shot. The tiredness makes me have zero fucks to give about most things. I say fucks and not something like spoons because, to me, spoons means that you do care about/would like to do something you just physically or mentally can’t do it. With this I just do not care about most things. Not one bit.
I try not to talk about anywhere but here or to Eric. I’ve been not so gently reminded that other people have many more problems than I do and I just need to suck it up. It’s not that I even want sympathy. I just want understanding. But it always turns into a comparison game of why that person has many more problems than I do. I’m sure there are people thinking that who don’t even have those kinds of interactions with me. There are so many people to whom I owe something. I feel like they see me post a stitching picture on FB or a picture at a concert and they think I (and my vision) am fine and I need to get caught up on all of the things that are waiting on me. They don’t see that I stitched for 20 minutes and then my eyes got tired and so I had to stop or that by the end of the concert my eyes were not happy with the flashing lights about the stage and I had to go sit on a bench with people who were too drunk to stand. My eyes getting tired makes me even more tired than I already am and when that happens I can only do the extremely necessary stuff.
I’m hoping that I won’t need more shots. I’m hoping that one day soon I will be able to go more than a month without having my eyes checked. I’m hoping that one day I will read this again and not feel like this anymore.
Due to the technical difficulties I’ve been experiencing with my eye lately I haven’t stitched much this year. Add to that the last thing I completed getting lost in the mail and I didn’t have much motivation to even try to stitch. Every time I tried this summer it was depressing. It was hard to see and on the days I was seeing better I couldn’t stitch for very long before my eyes got tired.
A couple months ago a friend sent me some stitching stuff she had found when cleaning out her mom’s house. There was some Aida with it. Aida is not my preferred material to stitch on but as I was going through the package I realized that I could see the holes in the Aida much better than my preferred 32ct linen.
That weekend I used one of the pieces of Aida and re-stitched the piece that got lost in the mail. I had no trouble stitching it at all.
This motivated me to go through my UFOs and see if there was anything I felt like finishing. I found one that was at least half done and decided to finish it. The pattern is the Cat’s Meow by The Drawn Thread. This one wasn’t so easy for my eyes but I continued to work on it. I think it was partly my eye and partly because I was stitching on lambswool. I had a much easier time when I tried using some cashel so I’m not sure what it was about the lambswool that my eyes didn’t like.
Aside from the vision issues I just do not like the way lambswool feels to stitch on. I knew this from other projects but this one made me decide not to use it again.
I started this one in 2014 and I am so glad to have it finished. Although I wish I could remember what made me stitch this cat in black and white rather than the charted colors.
The next UFO I picked up was the Woodland Sampler by The Frosted Pumpkin Stitchery. I started it in January of 2013. I’m hoping I will have it finished this month. It feels good to be stitching again.
*Today is my 11th wedding anniversary. Monday marked the 11th anniversary of my move to New Mexico. I can’t believe I’ve been here that long.
*I’ve had two dentist appointments this week and I have another one scheduled for next week. I had what a I thought was a toothache but turned out to be an infected ligament. I am on antibiotics and have to use special mouthwash. I have severe anxiety about going to the dentist so thankfully I have Valium to get me through these appointments.
*The weather is changing here. Monsoon season finally started and we’ve been having some nice storms. The evenings have been much, much cooler. It’s such a relief. July felt like a repeat of June, really hot with no rain, and it was becoming harder and harder to not be depressed with that kind of weather.
*I set a goal for myself to meditate 28 days this month. Even if it’s just five minutes. So far I’ve meditated ten days. I’m hoping I can make it to 28. I’m considering 28 days of vrksasana for September.
*My eye has recovered enough to be able to stitch a little here and there. I stitched something on Aida and had no problems. I’m now trying out some lambswool to see how that works out for me.
*All I want to eat lately is chips and salsa. I’ve had it for dinner the past two days. I’ve been too worn out to make anything else. Plus my mouthwash makes things that aren’t salty and spicy taste bad.
I had my second shot for my eye last Thursday. It was hard to tell on my end if the first shot was working. For the first three weeks after it my vision seemed a little better. Then the week before the shot things seemed to improve a lot. The first shot also stopped all the hemorrhaging. The doctor was very pleased by this. My vision still isn’t what it used to be but it’s getting better.
I’ve gathered from contextual clues from my doctor that stress and lack of sleep are not good for what is happening to my eye. I’ve been trying hard to cut down on stress in my life. It’s hard though. Thanks to genetics/anxious parenting my default setting is anxiety. So I decided that I would try to make July as laid back as possible. Prior to July I’d been exercising five days a week. But in July I let that go. It’s been so, so hot which makes it hard to exercise in the afternoons. Yet if I get up early to do it that means less sleep, which is also not good for my eye. Doing this made me realize that I’ve been exercising for the wrong reasons and that is something I want to get away from. Missing a workout should not be something that stresses me out. During July if I exercise, fine. If I don’t, it’s not a big deal.
Another thing I’m doing to reduce stress is not engaging with political discussions on Facebook. Not that I did this a lot before but I did sometimes. There are so many terrible things happening in the US and the world right now. I know there are people on FB who want me to post links and show support for things. So they know that I am on the same side as them. But I just can’t right. Many of my friends and relatives do not think that my political point of view is the right one. They are not live and let live types. They would want to argue and tell me how wrong I am. And let me tell you, all it would take is for one of those people to tell me ALLLIVESMATTER! and my rage would come out. I just can’t get that angry every day right now. I don’t know what it would do to my eye and I don’t want to find out.
Some things that have been saving my life lately:
*Heritage Store rosewater – I love this stuff so much. I especially like to spray some on at bed time.
*black walnut salve – After my shot I am not allowed to take a shower or do anything where water could splash in my eye and this time my sponge bath just didn’t cut it. Due to the heat I ended up with a rash. The black walnut salve got rid of it right away.
*Family Ties and Newhart – I’ve been watching a couple episodes of each every night Eric is at work. They are very soothing.
*YouTube – Something else I find soothing to watch are YouTube vloggers. I love day in the life type stuff. This is my favorite channel right now.
*cherry limeade from Sonic – having one every few weeks makes an extra hot day seem a little less horrible.
Current Books: Harbor by John Ajvide Lindqvist
Current Playlist: the Goth staton on Pandora
Current Drinks: water
Current Foods: strawberries, quesadillas, avocados
Current TV Shows: Newhart and Family Ties
Current Wishlist: a Midori spiral ring notebook, carne asada fries, yarn
Current Project: not currently working on anything thanks to my eye
Current Needs: more sleep, to experience temperatures well below 80°
Current Triumphs: cleaning the kitchen sick and countertops
Current Bane Of My Existence: the never ending heat, the lack of rain and my health insurance being a jerk about paying for my eye stuff
Current Blessings: it’s Friday, fans & the swamp cooler
Current Outfit: black shorts, turquoise top
Current Mood: cranky from the heat